it... the cake... D: it...

WAY BOTTOM FOR EDIT.

I believe in God. I'll say that much, because it's too depressing to say there isn't.

As Dane Cook once said about atheists, "When you die, nothing happens." That... Yeah. Maybe I'm in denial, but I'm unwilling to accept that because... well, even if it is true, that's depressing. I like to be happy.

But I am deciding, I do not believe anything else. None of it makes sense anymore. Everything is contradictory. God is good. God... lies sometimes.

It took me so long to figure this out, but I feel better now. I don't know about anything else, but... yeah.

For the first time, a few weeks ago, for the first time, I realized, I am going to die. Well, we all are; everyone who was born has the terminal illness called 'life'. Except maybe sparkly vampires, but that's besides the point. I'm going to die. My mom will die one day, just like my grandpa is at the verge of death himself. Then what? Then what? What if I never see them again? Of course, religious people assert, we'll all see eachother in heaven again... but... really? There's so much evidence to the contrary out there.

for the first time, I thought

Everyone dies. I will die. I will cease to exist. I will become nothing.

For the first time, i understood, yeah. People die. Life is limited. And I tried to imagine becoming nothing and... couldn't. Because it was too scary.

So. Being me, and unable to accept what there is so much evidence contrary to, but also unable to accept anything that hurts me, I have decided

I believe in God. I believe in Heaven, and I believe in Hell. Why? Because God decided that he should sort out all his toys into the good pile and the bad pile. And everything else? ... I still don't know.

Agnostic, I think is what you call this.


Haha. I feel like that one religion we're studying in history... Calvinism, I think it was? That people could judge for themselves what was right and wrong? Yeah. I feel better now.



[EDIT]

ACTUALLY, X EVERYTHING I JUST SAID. SCREW IT ALL. I DON'T CARE ABOUT ANY OF IT ANYMORE.
I don't want to think about it. I don't want to assert or deny, say yea or nay. None of it matters to me. I don't care. I don't care anymore. Screw it all.


... Wow, that feels really good...

DAYUM, how was I ever born to these two people? Am I adopted or something?


My mom was helping my brother sift through old photographs to look for his senior "two year old" picture, and I came down to beg her for something and ended up looking with them
Among the albums was one from when my parents were teens, when they first met

... And, it sounds super SUPER weird, even to me, but WOW. My parents were very gorgeous people.

Not saying, they're not still good looking, but... WOW. You know? If they went to my high school, every girl after him and my mom would have every boy blushing. But they'd always have eachother~~

ANYWAYS. yeah. How did I never notice? I live with these people. And how the hell did my combination of genes get mixed in with them?

but you know what's freaky? I look exactly like my mom, and exactly like my dad at the same time. yeah. kinda weird, but it works.

My dad liked taking photos, even then.

My mom was an amazing artist.

My brother was FREAKIN adorable. (where'd it all go?)

and and and and and






and and and


and...

I HATE NEWSPAPERS


ugh

You know what?

SCREW THIS. starting tomorrow, and maybe tonight, I'm gonna mass produce shitty newspaper articles to periodically submit to the newspaper so I don't have to worry about it again.

GAWRSH, ....




sigh........






dammit.......



















sigh....